Monday, January 22, 2007
please bear with me
thru my misery...
Somehow, i keep feeling the 14th of next month looming closer and i'm feeling oh so alone. I haven't felt this single since JC.
Nope, i'm not pining for those that have come and gone, i'm just have that general emptiness about myself again.
It's good cos in a way, it means i've really moved on from my disasterous 2nd relationship and now am looking for the next adventure. It's good because, even thou i still look back longingly at the happier times i've had, even thou i still tear at sad chinese love songs, i'm starting to do it less.
However, that doesn't dispell the dark creature called loneliness that has surfaced from inside of me.
If anything, the creature has grown stronger, and is growing stronger still. It doesn't help when my allies in camp have gone, and home is but a boring solitude.
Being in camp makes me realise how pathetic i am. Am i such a needy person to always have a need to scroll through my phonebook to search in vain for that elusive person to message, for that suitable person to call. The ending's always the same. There's no one.
Being at home makes me realise how inactive my life has become. How stagnant. All i do is hole up in my room and stare at the computer screen till i develop a throbbing headache. No one bothers me on msn, i have no one to bother who will bother about me.
Sometimes i think i have no friends. None that would actually come running out of their own accord to help me up when i fall. It's either i have to plead them for help, or they walk away with their gaze averted. I know that's not true, but sometimes it might just be.
Going out and having fun are all superficial to me. Fun's relative. Why do i have to pander to everyone's wants and complaints? I find just going out to grab coffee at Starbucks or Coffee Bean as enjoyable as say shopping, or watching a movie, or some planned activity or other.
Why can't things be spontaneous? Must i really have to book my friends a few days before hand and wait for them to check their schedule before giving me an answer? Well, unlike me, other people are just too busy with their enriched lives.
I don't know what's gotten over me. Maybe it's seeing different people's 21st birthday going by, and when i think of my own coming in a few months time, i feel oddly inadequate. Have i succeeded in ditching my wings and turning from the social butterfly back into an antisocial mealworm? I have failed to make lasting friendships in the institutions after secondary school. Maybe i'm just a mealworm after all.
You know, reading back, everything just doesn't make sense... Maybe i should keep my bleakness inside, and let this blog be what it appears to be, by someone who appears to have a life and many friends.
I'm just too drained for a proper entry about my fantastic, albiet short time at Timbre for the second time.
Maybe another day then.
And i leave you with this adorable picture of the girls.
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